In Chapter 15 of The Untethered Soul, (see the Readings Section) Michael Singer states that there is only one fundamental question to be answered, and the answer is either “yes” or “no”. The question is: Do you want to be happy? The answer is not conditional, and does not require an explanation: just “yes” or “no”. If your answer is “yes” then there is only one path you can take, only one set of actions which will allow you to realize that happiness. Simon proceeds to offer a path to the happiness of the self.
While I subscribe to Simon’s belief in the importance of that fundamental question, there is another, related, question that guides my practice. That question is: Do you love yourself? Both questions are essential for a person to ask themselves.
Much like the first question, the “love” question requires a “yes” or “no” answer; no hedging. Much like the “happiness” question, it is a commitment. If a person answers “yes” to the “love” question, then the way they act and think about themselves has to be consistent with that answer. My job as a therapist is to monitor–to keep my patients honest, so to speak. To help them understand and remedy any inconsistencies in how they act or think which would contradict loving themselves.
If the answer is “no” then my task is to discover why not. How can it be? My patient and I then need to examine what may be getting in the way of something so natural as loving oneself. I then use the tools I’ve acquired in my decades of practice and training to understand what misperceptions about the self learned in childhood or which current behavior or thoughts are interfering with loving themselves, and do the work of remedying that.
Paraphrasing a quote by Jack Kornfield:
“Whether it’s heaven or hell it’s the mind that creates it. When you realize that thoughts are empty, your mind will no longer be able to deceive you.”